Monday, 14 July 2014

The fault in our stars

I watched The Fault in our Stars this weekend. I read the book a while ago – in March actually, just after everything fell apart, and it became maybe my best book of all time. For now.

The movie is searingly beautiful. So many things in it spoke to me. I identify with Hazel in so many ways. When she is staring at the swing set, and she tells Augustus ‘the sky is making me sad’. Yip. I get that. The sky makes me sad too sometimes. The way she describes falling in love. The way she understands things. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.  A life lived, really lived, despite the shitty hand she gets dealt.

Another week. Another rough one for various reasons. Lots of people have been asking me about my tattoo. Why I chose the words. I don't explain it because it’s too difficult. Complicated. It means so many things. Too many to explain in a casual conversation.

But here I can sound it out to myself. Figure it out. Walk my way along it, placing markers along the path for each thing it means to me.
Be still. My greatest lesson so far. Pain. Peace. Happiness. Sadness. Joy. Heartache. Loneliness. Crowdedness. The good light. The bad light. Whatever it is, taking it in. Allowing it to become a part of me. And once I've made it part of me, keeping it if I need to. Or letting it go if that’s the best.
Be brave. Even if it hurts. Facing up to things. Experiencing them. Doing the right thing. Being the better person. Because that takes courage. And we all have it in us.
Be strong. Even when I'm feeling weak.  And if I am weak, surrounding myself with friends and family and people who really love me and want the best for me. People who protect me. Who encircle me. With their love, and their honesty, and their arms and their long telephone conversations. With glasses of wine, and jumping in the car to be with me when things start getting really rough.

Be true. To myself. Because at the end of it all, it comes down to me. Who I am. The things I hold onto inside of myself because they help me navigate a world that turned out to be not at all what my heart expected.

Finally? This. Psalm 46:10. Be still, and know that I am God. 
I leave you with a quote from this extraordinary book:

"The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,
But in ourselves, that we are underlings."
It's not fate, you know. It’s just life.

1 comment:

Riette said...

Beautifully written, Megan.
Thinking of you so so much.